The Proust Questionnaire
Writer returns from weeks of quiet to answer self-indulgent famous questions.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
The first thing that comes to mind is being in love. Looking back, most of my happiest memories either involve romantic love or travel and perhaps the common thread is wonder. That said, spending time with friends and family means a lot to me as well. And Gracie too of course.
What is your greatest fear?
Losing the people who I love. Losing Gracie.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Avoidance / lack of motivation, followed by impulse control / anger.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Cruelty.
Which living person do you most admire?
My mom.
What is your greatest extravagance?
The house I rent has a pool.
(Honorable mention: I go to Starbucks every morning.)
What is your current state of mind?
I started working on this two days ago. I was feeling anxious. Yesterday I felt tired. Today I feel pretty good, but a little bit anxious.
What is your favorite journey?
Here are three: I was in Hossegor, France on a surf trip with friends. From there I took a train to Paris and spent a couple days just walking around by myself. The second was a road trip in Australia, also by myself, from the Gold Coast south to Sydney. I surfed along the way and felt like an explorer. The last one was yet another solo trip, driving from Florida to California for a move to Los Angeles. Over the course of two weeks, I stopped in Tallahassee, Mobile, New Orleans, Houston, El Paso, Phoenix, and Palm Springs.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
This is a tough one. I’m going with chastity. (Shout-out to Christian Kid Jamie, who was a virgin until age 22.)
On what occasion do you lie?
“Leaving in five minutes.”
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My hair, which is a mix of missing and gray. I started coloring it in my mid-twenties and that lasted for over a decade.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Kindness.
Which word or phrases do you most overuse?
In recent years, vulnerability and connection. Both good words though.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Based on unconditional love over an extended period of time, my mom and Gracie come to mind. In terms of romantic love, there isn’t one person I think of as the greatest but there are sweet memories from past relationships. I bought a ring in 2006 and even though I never proposed, I’m able to look back and smile at the good parts. I moved to New York for a relationship in 2009, stayed for two years, loved my time with her, and I got to live in New York City. I met my last girlfriend at the end of 2015. We weren’t together long but that relationship meant the world to me. Which leads to the next question.
When and where were you happiest?
Getting to know my last girlfriend. We had been talking for a couple weeks before we met in-person. I had a trip to Hawaii planned and ended up cutting it short. She was staying with her family in Vancouver and I flew there to meet her. We were together for a few days and then I went home to Florida for Christmas. A week later I flew back to Vancouver and we did a road trip to Los Angeles, which was home for her. I remember that season as the happiest I’ve ever been.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Music comes to mind. I wish I was a better singer.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
More discipline / consistency / energy.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Most people would say To Write Love on Her Arms, followed by If You Feel Too Much. I’m proud of those things but I’m also proud of the (personal) growth that’s come in recent years. I’ve done a lot of work in counseling and my ADHD diagnosis has been a game-changer. Life is less exciting than it was—I used to travel constantly and now I’m almost always home. I don’t have any money but I like myself more. I understand myself more and I’m able to be present, which used to feel impossible. Life is slower and that’s been a healthy challenge.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
This isn’t something I think about but if I have to choose an answer—a song.
Where would you most like to live?
I would love to live in Europe for a year. (After writing this, I looked at Joan Didion’s answers to these questions. She said, “I want to live somewhere else every month or so.” I like her answer better.)
What is your most treasured possession?
My mom’s wedding ring. My parents got married in Nova Scotia, 51 years ago next month. For what I believe was their 30th anniversary—2003 if my math is correct—our family went to dinner (Chart House!) to celebrate. My dad gave my mom a new ring that night, and I’ve worn the original ever since.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing the people who I love.
What is your favorite occupation?
Surfing. Or laughing. Especially with people who I love.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My heart / sensitivity.
What do you most value in your friends?
Presence. All of the other qualities go out the window if you never get to see (or talk to) someone.
Who are your favorite writers?
Donald Miller was my first favorite writer. Since then: Anne Lamott, John Steinbeck, Cormac McCarthy, Joan Didion, Matt Haig, Bono, Jon Foreman, Tonya Ingram, Anis Mojgani, Levi The Poet, Chris Hess
Who is your hero of fiction?
I don’t know about hero but I loved The Man (The Father) in The Road. And both Kirsten and Jeevan in Station Eleven.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Taking this one in a different direction. I never got to meet my grandparents on my dad’s side, and my mom’s dad died when I was little. I wish I could have known them.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Bono is in a league of his own. Barrack Obama. Rob Bell inspires me—the way his work has evolved, the way he continues to be himself. I love Mike Birbiglia. And everybody loves Jon Foreman.
What are your favorite names?
If I were ever to have a child of my own, I’ve thought about: Dylan, David, Jordan, Victoria, Dree
What is it that you most dislike?
Ignorance, hate, injustice, climate change
What is your greatest regret?
I wish that I had been diagnosed with ADHD sooner. When I look back at past relationships—romantic, family, friends, coworkers—and everything that led to my departure from TWLOHA, ADHD was not in the equation at the time. I made a lot of mistakes, and while an ADHD diagnosis doesn’t excuse all of those mistakes, it does perhaps reframe them. What I thought were simply character flaws, I’ve come to see as my brain working differently. Now that I’m aware and have some tools and continue to learn, I feel healthier and my life feels more stable. I wish this could have happened sooner.
How would you like to die?
Old, surrounded by people who love me.
What is your motto?
“…to live it like a song.” (from “Where I Belong” by Switchfoot)
Join me Wednesday (July 17) for Disappointment & Acceptance, a small-group conversation about making peace with the present.
I’m available for coaching and consulting on a limited basis. I can’t be your therapist but I do enjoy listening, asking questions, and sharing from experience when someone is going through a challenge or transition.
Public speaking is among my favorite things. If you’re curious about making an event happen, whether it’s in-person or virtual, the good folks at Collective Speakers would love to help. We can focus on mental health and suicide prevention, or something else that meets the needs of your community or group.
NEEDS AN OCEAN is my little side project. Born in East Nashville back in 2020.
This is beautiful. I can especially relate to the adhd feelings in that I’ve always felt like I was just a screw up but after my late diagnosis (last year at 30) I have tried to give myself more grace. It’s hard to recognize that sometimes the people that need the most grace and kindness are ourselves.