"What suggestions do you have for someone going through grief?"

A question and an answer on a Sunday.

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From Lorena: “I’m wondering what suggestions you have for someone going through grief. My grandma passed away last week. Although it was expected, it still hits really hard, especially during the holidays.”

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Hi Lorena,

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. It makes sense that losing her would hit you hard, and what you said about the timing makes a lot of sense as well. The holidays seem to magnify whatever we have or don’t have. For a lot of us, life slows down this time of year and we end up taking inventory. We’re left to sit with what we’re feeling. Losing someone we love is always painful. Losing someone we love during the holidays, that is really really hard.

As for suggestions, here are a few that come to mind:

There is no shame in seeking professional help.
When it comes to my depression and seasons of grief, and when people ask me for advice in these areas, I always put professional help at the top of the list. I’m a hug fan of counseling / therapy. I’ve been with my current counselor for six or seven years now. She has helped me so much. I also take an anti-depressant, prescribed by a psychiatrist and managed by my doctor. It’s hard to pinpoint or quantify exactly how much this helps but I like the idea that my anti-depressant helps the lows feel not-as-low. I’m still me, I still feel things deeply, but meds along with counseling—these are tools that help me find stability.

If you’re struggling to the point where it’s hard to function, hard to live the life you’re used to, there is no shame in talking to a professional. A good one can help you make a plan to get through this time of grief.

Give yourself permission to be honest.
Regardless of where you land with regards to professional help, I hope you’ll give yourself permission to be honest. If you are experiencing grief because you lost someone, this simply means you’re human. You’re allowed to talk about it. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to remember your grandma and tell stories of those memories. It’s okay to laugh and cry as you remember.

As you choose to be vulnerable, as you choose to remember your grandma, I hope you can do this in exchanges with other people who knew and loved (and continue to love) your grandma as well. I hope you also get to share with people who, even if they didn’t know your grandma, they know you and they want to hold space as you navigate your grief.

Give yourself a lot of grace.
Like I said, you’re human. And you’re sad. Both of these things are real and you deserve the freedom to be both. Give yourself grace to move slower, to be less productive, to say no and cancel plans, based on what feels right and what you need. Think of your grief like a broken leg. You wouldn’t try to run on a broken leg. You wouldn’t try to hide it. You would rest and give yourself the space to heal. Maybe grief is not so different. Give yourself a lot of grace in this time of hurt and healing.

It’s okay to isolate, but choose connection too.
It’s okay to be quiet. It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk on the phone, or if you don’t have the energy to respond to every text. At the same time, remember that you need connection too. It may not be 50/50—it may look more like 80/20 or even 90/10, with the majority of your time spent being quiet—but make sure you continue to seek out connection in the midst of your grief, because connection is part of how we heal. We need other people. We need people we can share with, cry with, laugh with. We also need to get out of our head and remember there’s a great big world beyond our pain. Other folks are going through their own hard times and we get to show up for them, even as we’re healing. Even as part of our own healing.

Healing takes time.
Grief sucks. We wish that we could fast-forward to a day that doesn’t hurt. I do believe this day will come and yet there doesn’t seem to be a fast-forward button. The healing will arrive but, in my experience, it always seems to come with time. Every past season of grief I’ve ever known, every moment of loss that felt impossible to recover from, somehow every single one is now a scar. I don’t mean that I’ve forgotten or built walls around the memories. I just mean that I’m okay. I’m not sad today. Life keeps going. New life finds us. Love shows up. Babies are born and they grow and you get to tell them stories of your grandma. What a gift it is to remember, even through the pain, even through the tears. The people we love and lose are worth our tears. Over time the hurt becomes smaller and the memories remain. Someday you will smile at the memories.

Grief is love still going, like a plane asking to land or something precious looking to belong. May you continue to love your grandma, even as you heal. This is a mystery and a paradox and it simply means you’re human.

Lorena, I promise you’re not alone. Thanks for choosing to share your grief with us. Thanks for being here and thank you for your question. I’ll be thinking of you in the days ahead.

jamie

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