This Relearning of Belonging

Let's stop staring at doors that are closed.

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A question and an answer on a Friday. Sebastian asked another good one.

“How do you deal with the loss of people or things you've stepped away from because they weren't right for you or good for you, especially in moments of loneliness?”

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Hi Sebastian.

First off, thanks for your question. Thanks for being here.

I’ve spent much of my life staring at doors that were closed. I’ve spent countless days wishing they would open, lost in sadness, confusion, bitterness, frustration, and regret. Your question is specifically about doors you’ve chosen to close. Most of my experience comes from the other side, when someone else decides to walk away. That’s a little different in terms of who made the decision, but I wonder if what I’ve learned—what I continue to learn—might be helpful.

Recently I got a taste of something I really wanted. My heart came alive in a way I haven’t experienced in years. Going back to the door metaphor, this was a door I really wanted to walk through, because the other side quickly felt like home. The other side brought out the best in me. I was reminded of my dreams and how I want my life to change. And then suddenly the door was closed. Whatever exists beyond it, is not an option now.

10 or 15 years ago, I would have given myself over to the sad songs, would have poured my time and energy into fixating on this one difficult thing, this one unopen door. Having very little self-control, I would have knocked a lot. Hopefully I’ve learned a few things and picked up a few tools in all the years of counseling. I want to give myself permission to be human, to feel things deeply, to be disappointed, to be sad. But whereas in the past I would camp out there, and make it my identity, it’s not a place I want to live today.

Maybe healing comes when we let go not only of what’s hurting us, but what’s out of our control. And maybe healing happens when we realize that we still have some power, we still get to make a bunch of choices every single day. There is one door I can’t walk through. There are a lot of other doors I can. The others may not be as exciting. They may not be my dreams, but if reality is the best place to live, and if healing happens in reality, then these other doors are probably better than the fantasy of something unavailable. And quite simply, I want to spend my time in places that are healthy for me. I want to go where I’m wanted, where I’m chosen, where I’m welcome.

Getting back to your question, my guess is you closed certain doors for similar reasons. You made some hard decisions with your own wellbeing in mind. You made choices for your health and peace and happiness. It can be tempting to return to what’s familiar, to something that at one time served us, or even felt like home. In these moments you will have to remember why you closed each different door. I’m hoping there are some people who know and love you, who are happy to remind you. This new reality, this relearning of belonging, is about what’s best for you tomorrow and today, as you continue to move forward.

It takes time to heal and recover after any loss. And obviously what we do with that time matters a lot. As you know, I'm a fan of therapy / counseling, meds, self-care, and I'm a huge fan of connection these days. We can't just close a door and stare at the door expecting to heal. We have to look for other doors, other good things. New friends, new activities, new places. Over time we forget what no longer serves us as our focus shifts to what's working in the present. The future replaces the past.

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I’m speaking in Abingdon, Virginia next Thursday, August 3. Help Hope Healing is a conference for mental health advocacy and connection.

There are two small-group conversations happening next month. Join me Thursday, August 17 for “I Wish I Had More Friends,” or Wednesday, August 23 for “I’m in a Season of Change.”

I’ve been really enjoying the one-on-one conversations aka coaching. If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more here.