"Is there a way to know when to ask for help?"

A question and an answer on a Thursday.

From time to time I like to answer questions here. It’s been a few weeks and so I put the word out to paid subscribers in the chat earlier today. Sebastian, who I met at a Noah Gundersen show in England a few years back, asked a really good one: “Is there a way to know when to ask for help in the first instance you need it, instead of having to battle with the thoughts that maybe it's not important enough or serious enough to ask for help with yet?”

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Hi Sebastian.

Thanks so much for your question. It’s an important one and I believe it’s one a lot of people can relate to.

My first thought is, if you’re thinking about asking for help, it’s probably a good idea to ask for help.

Your life is priceless. The most important part, the primary thing, is your safety and wellbeing. Everything else is secondary. Which means those thoughts and doubts you touched on in the second half of your question, those are secondary. If you think you might need help, it’s always okay to ask for help.

It’s worth noting that asking for help can mean a bunch of different things. I would say that help exists on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum, a place to start, is reaching out to a friend or family member, whether it’s for a conversation on the phone or asking them to meet you so you aren’t alone. If you feel like you don’t have anyone to reach out to, it’s important to remember that you still have options, because there are people who not only want to help but they are trained to do just that. Here in the United States, we have Crisis Text Line. Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 and anyone can send a text to 741-741. We also now have the phone number 988, the Lifeline, which is available for both calls and text. I know that you’re in the United Kingdom and so over there I believe it would be Samaritans. You also have Shout, which is a partner of Crisis Text Line, where folks can text 85258.

The hope is that when you reach out for help, you’re not only met with comfort and support, but with people who can help you figure out what to do next. Maybe it’s a tough moment or a tough night, and you just need someone to talk to. Or maybe there’s more going on and you need help beyond what a friend or family member is able to provide. That's okay. Here’s a comparison: Today I went to the dentist. While I have good people in my life and I know they love me, as far as I know they did not go to dental school. So when it comes to taking care of my teeth, I go to the dentist. When my car is giving me trouble, I take my car to a mechanic. When I’m dealing with a plumbing issue, I call a plumber. Life can be complicated and confusing. Life can be super hard. It makes sense to reach out to experts, to people uniquely qualified and experienced in a specific area. And the good news is that when it comes to mental health—when it comes to depression and anxiety, when it comes to addiction, when it comes to eating disorders—there are experts who want to help.

I had counseling yesterday. I typically see my counselor once a week. There have been seasons where I was really struggling, like after a breakup, and I would see her twice a week. Right now I’m doing well and so instead of seeing her next week, I’ll see her the following week. I also take an anti-depressant, which helps with my depression. In recent years I’ve been realizing that self-care, which includes connecting with friends, is also part of what help looks like. Having plans and routines in place, doing things that are good for me, allowing myself to be known by people who care about me, all of this helps my mental health.

You’re the main character in your story. A good story, one that’s healthy and alive, will include some other characters. Because nearly every single thing is better shared, from grief to celebration. So it’s important to prioritize relationships. And it’s important to have a support system. This is true every day but especially when we’re struggling. If we aren’t used to honest conversations, then an honest conversation can be a scary thing. We all need friendships we feel safe in, so that we can be vulnerable. Because vulnerability leads to connection. And when all of this becomes routine, when we get used to sharing, when we get used to living with depth and truth, suddenly reaching out for help becomes less scary. I also like the idea that when we’re close to other people, when we choose to walk with those who care about us, we won’t have to reach as far.

In short, bringing this back full-circle, please remember that if you think you might need help, it’s always okay to ask for help. You deserve love and support. You deserve friendship and connection. You deserve whatever help you need, for as long as it takes, because we need you here.

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Join me tomorrow (Friday, 7/14) for “I Want to Start Something New,” a small-group conversation focused on fresh chapters and new projects. Comebacks are welcome as well.

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